If
by blessedarethecracked
Summary: Based on 'If you're not the one'. When Himeko returns , Chikane has yet to accept that it wasn't to be with her, Soma walks back into their lives and Chikane has some demons to face over how long she can pretend.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimerness!: why people feel compelled to write these damned things escapes me, but since I based this around someone else's song I reckoned I'd better add one. I don't own KnM or the song or anything 'sniffs'. about the fic this is the first song fic I've done, so be gentle, and if you want me to continue it, cos I really dont know, let me know! I still have quite a few verses left ;D**

The sun lazily spilled onto my face and I basked in both it and the sudden presence of Himeko now that the long days of a bitter, loveless spring were only memories. Drifting down the stairs of the house, I was immersed by a gentle wave of warmth and I smiled lightly as I turned to see her flinging herself down the stairs towards me, her hands outstretched, calling my name.

_If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?_

Grinning, I steadied myself for her clumsy embrace and yet still found myself sprawled at the bottom of the stairs with her arms still around me as she landed on top of me. Blushing at the memory and resemblance to a similar situation that had me sprawled on my back yesterday evening, her eyes met mine and we both laughed as I picked her up and she apologised, dusting my face.

"Are you alr-"

"Chikanechan! We'll miss the festival!" She cried, grasping my hand firmly as she dragged me to my feet and through the town.

_If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?_

Weaving nimbly through the parades and displays her blonde hair caught and fluttered in the wind, before disappearing suddenly in the crowds. Her hand wrenched from mine and the force of it made me fall forward onto the confetti strewn ground, crying out suddenly. Hearing a similar cry, I dragged myself upwards only to find myself haggling with a street seller.

"Thirty!" he cried " For thirty! This is giving it away, a man has to eat, I have ten children, my mama sick!" he was blocking my path. A sudden terror rose in me like an icy ocean sweeping over me and I frantically called over his shoulder, but the only reply was the cheer of the heated carnival. Choking my throat, the terror grew further; we were in a strange town, it was notorious for disappearances and women being violated, she had slipped from my grasp and all I could see were lights, bright lights, jeering faces, coloured paper blocking my vision, mocking laughter carrying her away from me -

"Get off me!" I snarled, forcing the heavy seller away from me with such vehemence he fell with a cry into the crowds. With a sudden rush of adrenaline, I shoved my way though the crowds stronger than I had before, my ears sharpened to her voice, my eyes searching, hunting for a shimmer of -

"Himeko!" I yelled as the crowds forced me backwards. _"HIMEKO!" _

A curtain of gold twisted suddenly and she was there, ahead of me, held from me by the revellers. Turning, she began to find her way back to me…

_If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?_

Pushed to the ground I lost sight of her again as the carnival raged in a separated world above me. Breathing shortly I tried to rise. But I found it strangely impossible until a hand, _her hand _reached through the crowd and gripped mine, tugging me to my feet and wiping my tears of desperation.

"Are you alright, Chikanechan?" she whispered.

Nodding dumbly I could only hold her tightly until my irrational anxiety calmed.

_If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?_

Diving down an alleyway, we moved away from the carnival and further into the tranquil countryside.

"I was getting tired of it anyway," she explained "it was too noisy in there. Is out here okay, Chikanechan?"

Blinking, I nodded and smiled, glowing with the way she knew what I wanted and how to comfort me better than I did.

"Anywhere's okay, Himeko." I smiled. _Anywhere you are. _

"um.. Chikanechan?" she asked, timidly "Can I.. can I ask you something?"

Nodding, I glanced at her nervous face "Anything you like."

_I never know what the future brings, but I know you are here with me now, we'll make it through_

"I.. I know that this was supposed to be a special day.. for us two, but… but" looking thoroughly miserable, she sighed "um… nothing."

Looking at her curiously, I reached for her hand "Anything." I reminded her.

Wincing, she looked to the ground "Its just that …I haven't seen Soma since I got back, and he has to leave for more training tomorrow, and I got this letter just before we left, and he'll be here today, and I'd like it if I could find him, and maybe spend a little time with him, but not too much if you don't want, I could just say.." the words seemed to stick in her throat.. "just say.. goodbye. He doesn't know how long he'll be gone this time and " her voice was merely a whisper, full of sorrow .. and suddenly it broke "and I _miss_ him."

I tried to reply and tell her that I wanted her to be happy.. but how could I? So it was him again. He was the reason she had been so distant recently, he was the real reason she had wanted to come today, he was quite possibly the real reason she came back to me at all. She missed him. She was still thinking about him, still snatching time with him after all the months they had been apart, and it was still him who was making the only thing I'd ever wanted impossible. As long as he was still here. I was so sure, so very sure that this time, this time she had wanted me.. I though.. I could laugh at the idea now.. I thought we could make it. I really did.

I swallowed. Hard. "Sure Himeko. If you want to see him.. I'll make sure you find him safely. But I," I swallowed again "I have some-ah- something I need to do back home anyway, so make sure he-um-. Comes home with you." my face was flushing. But she was so pleased she didn't notice my lies. It was like it always would be. Just so long as she was happy, I didn't matter.

We us didn't matter at all.

_And I hope you are the one I share my life with._

Although I still needed her more than ever, she was beginning to find she didn't need me. I guess I should have been happy for her, but when a voice called her name and Soma appeared, I made my excuses and left, my hair clinging to my tears as it was whipped by the wind. Somehow I managed to keep my dignity as far as I knew they could see me, but once they were out of sight, I wept in total abandonment, flinging myself away from them, my fear, my loneliness, my loss, my hate all fuelling my mind and body until I was running. Running and weeping and above all desperate to get away somewhere- anywhere- away from them.

_I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand._  
I neither know nor cared where I was headed. It took my a while to realise I was following the road we took to get here, leading back to where I truly belonged, in a cold and loveless house, not in her arms. I was far away from the main carnival and among the street sellers who had brought tables to display their stock. It didn't seem to matter that I was half-blinded by my hair and tears, that I'd run so far I could barley breathe and my legs and every aching part of my body were commanding me to stop, I needed to get away, to get away from myself and the mess I was in. It took a stray traffic cone, a loss of balance, a trapped shoelace, several gashes on my hands and legs and a severe blow to the head to stop me. And then, pathetic as it was, I just knelt in the road and wept. No-one really cared, the sellers too busy trying to live, everyone else I had was gone. No-one, even my Himeko, really cared. And as I glanced to my side as a movement of light caught my eyes, I knew why. One of the stalls sold mirrors. A large one was resting on the ground directly opposite me and I knew, stronger than before, even though I'd known all along why. Why she loved him. Why I hated him. Why we could never be together, why it was wrong that I even wanted it. I was a girl. And so was she. And only when that impossibility changed could her feelings for me.

_If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am? _

Why did it have to be so wrong?

Why was being in love so very wrong?

_Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? _


	2. for her, for me

**Himeko: blessedarethecracked doesnt own any part of Kannazuki no Miko- Chikane: which SUCKS since if she did soma wouldn't exist and our voices wouldn't be so infuriating that you're about ready to put an axe through the screen by the end of it. Himeko: my voice isn't really that bad is it? Chikane: how do I put this nicely..um... HELL YEAH. **

**Many thanks for all ya reviews, I dont know how long I can keep the fluff coming, but i've come up with this so let me know what you think & i'll keep trying to think of more.. well.. fluff! enjoy! **

The day wore on. Once I had gathered myself enough to continue, I spent most of the journey home dazed and unable to think, unwilling to think as whenever I did it was only of one thing ; so raw and painful that when I finally arrived back, I was asked more than once by the villagers if I was in pain. Assuring them that I wasn't as it was a pain that they could never understand, I managed to keep thoughts of Himeko from my mind until I was back in the large, cold house where I belonged. Brushing off the infernal staff of my house that consistently pestered me even when it was perfectly obvious that I really wasn't ready to eat, I found myself on the large landing outside the wall that separated our two rooms. Himeko's; pink and yellow, constantly throwing sunset colours on the wall even when we were in the middle of the monsoon season, and mine; deep reds and purples always reflecting how I felt whenever we were apart. The darkness in my room enveloped me, pulling me into it like it was drowning me and all hope of salvation was waiting above the darkness, in the daylight of her smile, that same smile that she gave readily, to me, to my maids, to everyone who never deserved it, but especially to that damned Soma. Finding that I'd entered her room and not my own, my fingers began brushing against her things, picking up the occasional photo she had framed of the two of us, touching the workbooks that had her untidy essays scrawled in, my nose welcoming the scent of her as I sat on her bed, and feeling my own heart beat faster as I recognised all the things about her that I loved, my mind expecting her to be there. The scent made me feel light headed as I always do when I'm with her, and I stretched my legs out and lay on her bed, my fingers finding her pillow and I buried my face in it. Soma couldn't feel the way I did about her. He couldn't know her instinctively by the way she breathed, by the way she walked, by the way she smelt. He couldn't feel the same pain that I did when I was apart from her. He just couldn't

_If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?_

It was crazy. It was just completely insane. I had been brought up with such wealthy, such grandeur, I had understood everything I had touched, everything I had been expected to know how to do perfectly, I lived my life with such serene brilliance gracing everywhere with patience and respect.. and yet .. It was her. The world expected me only to be able to tolerate one with my same brilliance, I could only fall for someone as perfect as I was, but she was poor. She couldn't do sports, couldn't play music to the extent I could, didn't know what people were feeling, couldn't tell what they needed, compare to me, she was nothing. And I shouldn't need her, I should never have wanted someone so incomparable to myself.. But that's what she was. Incomparable. Because she was the brilliance of the sun, she was perfection, she was everything, and much as I shouldn't have wanted someone as low as her, she couldn't want someone as low as me. The moon can only shine because of the sun.. and I shouldn't have needed her. But I did. And she couldn't need me. And she was stronger than I was. So she didn't.

_If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?_

I couldn't go on like this. Feeling so much love, feeling so much pain. I could barley breathe when we were apart, it was as if someone had ripped my heart away in a desperate bid to stop me from feeling, and the pain was killing me.. Only try as they had, they'd left part of it still in me, and as long as that part remained, no matter how bad the pain was it was still there, and no matter that the pain should be killing me, as long as that hope remained, I survived. In absolute hell. Waiting as my life depended upon her for a faint smattering, just a trace of affection, anything to make the pain worthwhile. And even if she loved him, even if she only had the smallest trace of fondness for me, It would be worth it all. I just had to bear it as long as I could .. If I could..

_If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?_

My fingers clumsily searched through my hair as the hair slide she had given me began to strain painfully… and then I remembered Soma's. I never had given it back, had I? should I? I'd kept it for so long it seemed pointless really.. She'd chosen him over me hair slide or not.. Still… reaching for my pocket, I turned it over in my palm. It was just one way that he was better than I was. He didn't have to resort to low cheating to gain her affection.. Maybe this was the only reason we had ever meant to meet? So she would come to depend on me, then I would become jealous, reckless and force Soma and Himeko, MY Himeko together… my god, what if it was _all _me? What if her finding Soma was all my fault?? Had I really killed the best thing in my life with my haste and greed and jealousy?? And what if…. suddenly that all too familiar icy fear began to creep around my chest again as my harsh breathing turned to desolate sobs.. and what if he exchanged hair slides and flowers for jewellery? And if she accepted? She would disappear from me altogether and I would be utterly helpless except to watch as they built a life together.. Grew old together..

_If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife? _

And then suddenly it hit me with such powerful comprehension my eyes snapped open and my gasp echoed around her room. I loved her. Not just the love that authors make millions over, or the songwriters drive you insane with, not the love that any two people can share, or the love that you see when two people decided to stay together, but I loved her as my soul mate, we had shared countless previous lives together and nothing and no-one had ever managed to rip us apart before. We were bound throughout time to be together even though fighting for it was difficult, the love I felt for her was all I ever existed for. So it was never going to be easy and in each lifetime it would nearly destroy us both, was I going to admit defeat just because it was difficult having her in my life? Had I really grown that weak? Leaping from her bed and snatching my jacket, I threw myself down the stairs and out of the house just as I had this morning. And I set off with a new found determination engraved in my heart. No enemy that we had defeated, no divine power that had ever tried and certainly no pathetic schoolboy who thought he was special because he got involved with what he shouldn't have was going to take Himeko away from me, and if they thought for one second that they could, then they'd meet the same end as all the others.

I'd fight for her.

I'd fight for her for me.


End file.
